I loved her (a friend)

i thought id be bitter forever,

that in spite my words would crash hearts

and end up leaving them wounded like mine was,

but the anger, that once was sadness,

turned out to be just a phase

not like me loving every detail of your hands

more like that time i only ate salt crackers for lunch

or the time i obsessed over a band i have listened to in months

i thought i had forgotten how to love

that my brain rewired and my destiny was to be only me

and for a while it felt like a relieve

i no longer had to try to be lovable or even good

i had given up all sense of morality and only worried about myself

became self absorbed and felt enaumored by my own words

became my own best friend, my own lover even

and the nights i would pass convincing myself in front of the mirror

while listening to those three same songs that made me feel like a god

only contributed to this sense of higness that i had felt before

but only that in that time, now dead, me feeling special was given by your pretty hands

and once i connected the dots, that i was trying to become not me, but what you were for me

i stopped all that madness

and the mirrors were more gentle

though i cant stop looking for your shape in the crowds

and sometimes i shake at the tought of your sight in front of mine

i put your favorite books on my shelf

but not because you love them

but because made me love them too

when i dress sometimes i hear your voice saying

"no dont wear that, they wont like that"

i stop for a second and stare at the box of letters

which of none are yours anymore

and put that pink dress on

but i dont fasten the buttons with anger anymore

i get it now, all that meaness came from love

and maybe it sounded better in your mind

and it didnt sound half as pretty in mine

but i get your intentions, even if youre gone

even if all that remains is the memories of your voice

and the thought of the black shirt with a pink raibow i made you buy at tj max

maybe i told you how to live and didnt realize

or maybe i dont even cross your mind

but to this day i lay down in my bed

and i feel the memorie of your hand over mine

and yours was so cold all the time

and mine is too, but you never said a word about that

silence was enough

and i didnt need so many words as i do now

to feel a little bit understood

to feel like i am real

cause with you life felt so frantic yet so neat

and i cried a lot when you were here

but i cried even more when you left

and now i dont cry that much

cause that spite filled the void that you left

not only in my heart

but in my stomach

my eyes, my mouth, my mind

everytime i made plans thrity years ahead

 i saw you there

maybe thats what you do when you are young and this is all you know

but you changed my views of the world

i was dumber before i met you

more naive, gentlier, nicer, more afraid too,

and though my skins is painted red everytime i speak in public

at least i do and not so much with a shaky voice

cause is tarted owning it up

and with you feelings came llike storms

and left like spring, as long as they weren about you and me

and just like that every single thing i felt was frozen

without me taking notice

i was left wondering why it felt so wrong

you leaving, i mean

not so much the whole deal of being alone,

but i stopped eating

i stopped sleeping

and now i eat too much

i sleep a lot

and i cant really say i am better now that i dont eve now if you remember my name

now that i dont know of you shake at the thought of me as i do of you

though everybody arond us swered that once this was over the sun would seem brighter

i think i blamed a lot on you

but i did try to fix it

putting myself out there with my heart in my hand

asking for you to take ma back

replacing you with her

but she isnt enough

silence with her is uncomfortable

she had to guess my thoguhts and she never guesses right

you did, always, and you weren't the best at ging adive

but it feels like at least i had a pilar to rely on when i was shaking

and now i don't

i dont feel secure

and for the first time in forever its nout about me and my thoughts

this messy body that ive claimed to hate since i was 2 feels like the only place that wont come down crumbling if the end was to come soon

and with you, yes i felt vulnerable i maybe i wanted to die mos of the time, i didnt like myself that much

but thats because i dont think i was being genuine

i was playing role, that i wont say i was forced to play

cause at times i felt euphoric, and it was messy but i love mess

only because you werte there to tidy it up, i always felt good taking out the garbage that you picked up

i loved doing our dirty laundry after you picked up from around

i didnt mind cutting my hands by accident with the pieces of shattered glass that youd swipe from the floor

but now i have to do it all in my own

no pilar, no hand to hold, no home

when you were here everything seemed to be like a live or die situation

and everytime you'd say "its not the end of the world"

and it felt annoying at times

like you didn't get me

like you didn't care

but you were always right

i didn't die, and it wasn't precisely bacuse of your advice

yet i get it now

i love being too muhc, i love feeling a lot

and sure, it was fun

until it wasn't

until the mess started coming from you

and of course you weren't gonna pick up thr shattered glass that your threw

you wouldn't ask how i got wounded

and the world shaking started becomign a routine

and the clokcs ticking didnt mean anything

and i was so sad

and everybody would say "its ot the end the end of the world"

but their voice didn't sound like yours

they didnt even try to understand

for a second i think i died, i dont remember months

i can perfectly recall so many days of agusut

and september

and november

but then i spent all of december drunk, i think

and there were other people, of course

but ive never liked spoken words

and i started talking a lot

so people would take notice

i understood, with you i had to try to be loved

but never seen, even when mad you would always see me

and now people dont love me, they also dont see me

and dont care to ask

and im not saying everybody is bad

or the world is cruel

everyone must feel this right?

its just hard, knowing that i had somethign that would make me feel so high all the time

taht i never had to try drugs to feel at peace

that i did cry a lot

and my stories were childish and i knew good from wrong

but now i dont

and i do get high 

ive quitted drinking cause my dad is a drunk

but you didnt even have a dad

and you came out just right

very neat, tidy, not so nice, but your hair came into itself in the long run

and id like to know how you feel about it now

cause i avoid seeing pictured of you

i would rather not hear your name

but i think f you all the time

and i wish i could still be your friend

everytime i said i hated you didnt mean it

you were the first thing that made me feel seen and taught how to see the world

and if i think too much about the way you spoke to me before

i can see that, though you were enough, i didnt feel the need to know more, you did, because i didnt offer you what you offered me, i was like bagagge and i was only fourteen

i get it now, cause nobody deals with me anymore, i am my own saviour, and because of that i think i can be your friend again

and maybe i will be enough this time

im not angry, i didnt say that last line in spite

im not sad, or that sad, so i dont lie

i want to love again

maybe you, maybe somebody else

somebody that would hold my hand

and it can be yours, or somebody whos also very cold

or maybe a very warm hand for a change

at this point i cant be so demanding

it will alway be you i look for in others, but that you is probably dead and there arent two hearts that are the same, i get it now, i can love somebody else, you wont be mad, right?